Happy New Year everybody!
New Years has always been a little sentimental for me. I remember being a preteen locking myself in the bathroom and crying…I was sad that time was going by so fast! I also was prepubescent and cried very easily 🙂 But this New Years Eve as I was driving to the gym, I started reflecting on the year that just passed and I started to cry. Not being able to blame it on teenage hormones, I realized what I was feeling was a mix of sorrow and pride: sorrow in crazily missing my best friend & love, but simultaneous pride in how far the kids and I have come.
Exactly a year ago I found myself starting to spiral into depression…not that the previous 10 months without Alan was a walk in the park. My sister and I would exclaim to each other all of 2013 “I just can’t wait until this year is over!!! Next year will be better!” But as new years rolled by, and 2014 came, the wave of relief and new found strength that I hoped for did not come. Rather, I was shocked at how I actually felt worse. I remember staring into the fogginess of the new year…I knew I was going to be OK and we were going to make it through, but I felt so lost and unsure of what the new year would hold. And to be honest, I still had a lot of anhedonia going on, and I quite frankly did not want to go on. Not that I would have done anything drastic, but many many days and weeks passed by without passion and without true joy and true peace. There were days that I woke up and wished it was already time to go back to bed. I never did lose all hope, but nontheless these strong emotions shocked me. It was a dark place for me, and I am so happy that phase of my grief is over now.
Then with my blogging through my 40 days of Mourning, going to a family grief class with the kids, playing at open mics and plugging back into life, the heaviness started lifting. I started focusing on my health and on what brought me true joy, and always with God’s guidance, the path beneath my feet started to feel more sturdy and sure. Doors started opening up, childhood dreams came true, and a passion for life returned.
But I don’t want to leave you with the impression that this is where you insert “and they lived happily ever after.” Because that’s the furthest from the truth. Even though my life is good, my life is hard. I daily struggle being a single mom, and I constantly doubt myself and the decisions I make. There are days, like the past couple days, where I feel quite low and missing Alan is very high: memories keep flooding in and I find myself weeping…its the most I have cried in four months. And even though I have so many people who love and support us and who would be there for us in a heartbeat, there are times I still feel really really alone.
But that’s life right? We all have things we are struggling with. From death, to divorce, to break ups, to money problems, to health problems, to family problems…we all have our own crosses to bear while we are on this earth. We all have things we are trying to survive, work through, grow through. Life will never be perfect here.
But as Winston Churchill once said: “If you are going through hell, keep going!” Or what I often tell myself while I am in a low phase:
This too shall pass.
So on the last day of 2014, I was happy at the difference a year had made in our lives. Last year, I could only dimly see into the new year as heavy grief and uncried tears clouded my vision. Today, I gaze into the new year with wide excited eyes for the many things that are already planned to unfold. Life is hard. But Life is good. Here’s to a new year for all of us. May it stretch and grow us through our triumphs and our struggles.
Life of Influence 