2 years…

On the eve of Alan’s two year death/heavenly anniversary, I lie here a huge mix of emotions.

I have to admit, I do love the life the kids and I have rebuilt for ourselves. The kids are well-adjusted, happy little people who laugh and explore and live out loud. They are so smart and so funny and so aware of everything they consistently blow me away. Being their mother fills me with such great joy and pride!

And for me… I am proud of how I eventually, with the constant love and support of my family and friends, was able to find my legs and begin walking towards my future! When I started living beyond the walls of grief and mourning, one plug in at a time, I opened my life to new possibilities and passion and purpose and vision came dancing back in…slowly at first but at a faster pace once I found the new rhythm. I am in the best shape of my adult life and in the most creative phase of my life, and I feel it’s just the beginning…. I truly am in love with my new life and am authentically excited about my future.

But with all of this, I was shocked at how hard the body memory of the early days of grief have hit me these past couple days. Today, I found myself lacking motivation and just stayed in all day napping on the couch between feeding the kids, laundry, and losing to Gabe in Uno. I was so lethargic and my heart was so heavy and sensitive. I felt impatient with the kids and constantly close to tears when I was alone. And while I chose not to relive the first few days without Alan and not torture myself with the memories and thoughts and stories of that week, I still grieved pretty hard.

I miss him….I miss Alan. I always will.

A good friend posted old pics of Alan and I tonight in honour of the occasion, and as I looked at myself, I felt like I was looking at a stranger…I have changed and grown so much in the past two years. I am the most confident and capable I have ever been. But I still can’t help but look at my past self in the eye, who is smiling beside a handsome Alan, and feel jealous and a little sad for her. She has no idea of what is coming up…

But writing this has helped my heart feel lighter. At the beginning of this blog I would have focused on warning her and giving her tips on grief and parenting etc. But I think now I would whisper to her:

It will definitely suck, but the three of you will be ok! And in two years, although it will go by painfully slow at times and fly by at others, all of you will be happy again. So when going through your darkest times, hold on, because I promise you will find your way back into the light.

Two cute blessings!

There are days when my kiddos seem to fight a lot and they get on my nerves!

Yesterday was not one of them. 🙂

Last night I finally got the kids to sleep in their own room again…. Soon after Alan passed, Gabe & Anjali asked to sleep with me. They both wanted to feel me as they slept which relieved a lot of their anxiety. And it was comforting for me to feel their small warm bodies next to mine, even though that meant sometimes that I would end up getting so squished I would sleep at the end of the bed like a dog!
(Good thing that I have a king, and that I am so short I can still fit 🙂

So last night, after I tucked them in, it was nice to hear them chat with each other and giggle. Gabe kept writing love letters to his sister and sending them to her saying “Anju, sleep with this under your pillow… And tomorrow put it in your backpack so that when you see it, you can tell people your brother loves you!”

And my favourite conversation:

G: do you miss daddy?
A: yeah. You?
G: I do.
>

And the conversation continued but I couldn’t make out the rest. I guess it was meant only for the two of them to share.

God, how I am so happy they have each other.

I have been thinking a lot lately how much thy have grown! From being 2 & 3 year old toddlers when Alan died, to being
4 & 5 year old school kids who are full of energy, wit and joy! These two blessing are a true testament that no matter how hard life can get, life can still be joyful and life can still be so damn good.

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2015?!?! When did that happen?

Happy New Year everybody!

New Years has always been a little sentimental for me.  I remember being a preteen locking myself in the bathroom and crying…I was sad that time was going by so fast! I also was prepubescent and cried very easily 🙂 But this New Years Eve as I was driving to the gym, I started reflecting on the year that just passed and I started to cry.  Not being able to blame it on teenage hormones, I realized what I was feeling was a mix of sorrow and pride: sorrow in crazily missing my best friend & love, but simultaneous pride in how far the kids and I have come.

Exactly a year ago I found myself starting to spiral into depression…not that the previous 10 months without Alan was a walk in the park.  My sister and I would exclaim to each other all of 2013 “I just can’t wait until this year is over!!! Next year will be better!” But as new years rolled by, and 2014 came, the wave of relief and new found strength that I hoped for did not come.  Rather, I was shocked at how I actually felt worse.  I remember staring into the fogginess of the new year…I knew I was going to be OK and we were going to make it through, but I felt so lost and unsure of what the new year would hold.  And to be honest, I still had a lot of anhedonia going on, and I quite frankly did not want to go on.  Not that I would have done anything drastic, but many many days and weeks passed by without passion and without true joy and true peace.  There were days that I woke up and wished it was already time to go back to bed.   I never did lose all hope, but nontheless these strong emotions shocked me.  It was a dark place for me, and I am so happy that phase of my grief is over now.

Then with my blogging through my 40 days of Mourning, going to a family grief class with the kids, playing at open mics and plugging back into life, the heaviness started lifting.  I started focusing on my health and on what brought me true joy, and always with God’s guidance, the path beneath my feet started to feel more sturdy and sure.  Doors started opening up, childhood dreams came true, and a passion for life returned.

But I don’t want to leave you with the impression that this is where you insert “and they lived happily ever after.” Because that’s the furthest from the truth.  Even though my life is good, my life is hard.  I daily struggle being a single mom, and I constantly doubt myself and the decisions I make. There are days, like the past couple days, where I feel quite low and missing Alan is very high: memories keep flooding in and I find myself weeping…its the most I have cried in four months. And even though I have so many people who love and support us and who would be there for us in a heartbeat, there are times I still feel really really alone.

But that’s life right? We all have things we are struggling with.  From death, to divorce, to break ups, to money problems, to health problems, to family problems…we all have our own crosses to bear while we are on this earth. We all have things we are trying to survive, work through, grow through.  Life will never be perfect here.

But as Winston Churchill once said: “If you are going through hell, keep going!” Or what I often tell myself while I am in a low phase:

This too shall pass.

So on the last day of 2014, I was happy at the difference a year had made in our lives.  Last year, I could only dimly see into the new year as heavy grief and uncried tears clouded my vision.  Today, I gaze into the new year with wide excited eyes for the many things that are already planned to unfold.  Life is hard.  But Life is good.  Here’s to a new year for all of us.  May it stretch and grow us through our triumphs and our struggles.

Santa pics

Two years ago the kids made us take the Santa pics with them (check out Anjali’s apprehensive look haha) I didn’t want to at the time… I like screaming kids’ pics with Santa haha… But I am SO glad we have this picture with all four of us.

I am not going to lie. I am feeling pretty weepy and emotional the past couple days missing Alan. I truly feel blessed because I do feel his love and support everyday. But oh how I would love to feel his arms again…

20 ways to celebrate!

Today marks an important day for me!

About three months ago, I made a commitment to myself to become healthy in every way!

After Alan died last year, and my life felt so twisted and upside down, I started focussing on things I could control… And one thing was my health. After a few months of emotional eating and gaining weight, some family & friends & I got together and competed in a weight loss challenge in the spring of 2013. I had started getting active and eating healthier, and ended up losing around 16lbs! And I kept it off until around Alan’s one year death anniversary…. And the depression and emotional eating came back as an attempt to fill my void…. And I pretty much gained all of it back.

After the summer, I felt gross… And I wanted to get back in control. So I made a 6 month commitment to this awesome gym that my friend Miranda introduced me to. I knew that time would pass by anyways, and unless I made a choice to change my life, I would find myself exactly in the same place wishing I had chosen differently.

It’s been three months since I have made this commitment, and I actually love and crave my workouts now! I eat healthier & have a lot more energy! And today I weigh 20 lbs lighter than I did 3 months ago! I have been working hard and I am proud of how far I have come. I am only 4 lbs away from pre-pregnancy me 🙂

But the weight loss isn’t what it’s all about for me. I have mentally grown so much through these workouts, and am not so wimpy anymore! And the best part is how it has helped my confidence grow immensely!

Anyways… I did want to show some before and after pics 🙂 the first couple is me three months ago! And the next one is of me at an audition for Miss Saigon! (Hehehe… More info later when the theatre company announces things officially 🙂

And the ultimate best part is this is only the beginning! I have made some awesome healthy goals AND there are some pretty amazing things I have in store in the new year! 🙂

Thanks for always sharing and supporting my journey!! Love to you all!!!

Alive again!

The past few months have been a crazy roller coaster…from being excited about my future, to moments of heartache (to the point of throwing up!). I found being away from home was easier this summer…I focused on the day and the kids and our activities that day. But coming home from summer vacation, grief hit me again…coming to our empty home. To huge decisions I have to make alone. To adjusting to the new school schedule with both kids. I want to be so much for them….but I always fall short.

I had a realization a couple nights ago that made me cry and also find peace. (It came after Gabe and I got into a big fight and he told me I broke his heart….sheesh! 5 year old drama!)
I will never be enough for my kids. I am not perfect. I just can’t do it ALL! I will never be able to meet all their needs that Alan would have met. I just can’t do it.

I can’t fill the void that Alan left

But what I can do for them is be the best Renee I can be. When I feel inspired and filled up, that’s when I am the best mom for them. When I fill excited about my life, that’s when I am most patient with them. When I am more organized and better with time management, that’s when I actually want to sit and play a game with them. When I am in better shape, that’s when I have more energy for them.

This Renee, she isn’t perfect. She can yell a lot! She makes a lot of mistakes. She tantrums! But what Renee does best is get back up after each hit and try again.

I can’t go back and change our past. I wish I had that capability as I still would change it in a heartbeat….I still miss him so damn much!

But I still have control over my future. I can choose to lie around and feel sorry for myself (which I have done a lot of…it’s ok to have these moments). Or I can choose to ask myself every morning “what am I going to do today to make my life better?”

Time does not heal. Action heals.

Today I have made a couple big decisions that will impact my future! More about that later. 🙂

Lots of love to you all!!! 🙂

Hello again :)

When

The words stop

And you can endure the silence

 

That reveals your heart’s

Pain

 

Of emptiness

Or that great wrenching-sweet longing,

 

That is the time to try and listen

To what the Beloved’s 

Eyes

 

Most want 
To

 

Say.

 

~Hafiz

I found a book of poems by Hafiz, the great Sufi Master, that Alan had bought for me a long time ago.  I forgot I had it and it was a like a new gift again when I found it again.  May and June, even though I tried my best to stay afloat, battered my heart with anniversaries of life and death, and I feel yet again a different person.  It is crazy how grief changes you so much, and I believe for the better when the path of growth is chosen over fear… I sometimes find myself laughing at myself saying “WHO IS THIS???”  although some close friends of mine might also hear a couple of expletives within that sentence depending on my mood 🙂

I have been quiet the past few months because I felt a change occurring in me…and I needed a break from being so public…I wanted to make sure I was changing in the ways I needed and not for an audience….I hope that makes sense.

Although I do feel badly that I dropped the ball on the “Elevate” awards…I thought it was smart of me to put something into place on Alan’s birthday to write of someone who inspires me…but when June came along, I couldn’t do it… I couldn’t give these stories justice with the state my heart was in.  But I haven’t completely abandoned the idea and I already have two nominees I will gladly share with you in the next couple months. Please stay tuned 🙂

I don’t really have much to say today but wanted to touch base and share how our little family is doing.  My kids are growing up so quickly! They are starting to be witty and both of their courage & intelligence blows me away.  They both start school tomorrow which is CRAZY! Anjali starts dance and Gabe starts soccer as well…it is pretty cool to see their interests start to blossom…my babies have become little people!! The past few months they have also grown so much and I still sometimes get amazed at how God gifted me these two to take care of…I remember Alan would sometimes say to me, “Renee…can you believe our love created those two beautiful kids? How amazing is that?? Thank God!!!” And we would take a second to marvel at that truth.

I am so proud of these kids.  They have lost so much but still laugh so much.  I learn so much from them everyday.

How am I? Truthfully I still struggle…more than I think people around me are aware of.  While I am not where I was a year ago, I find new things I have to work on…like Mr. Guilt that has somehow creeped into my mind the past month.  I don’t do guilt well…I read somewhere that guilt is a total useless emotion, and it usually is present because it masks another emotion or truth…so I am started to unravel that mystery.  

I have things I am working on and dreams I am trying to create into reality. There are many many times I look at my life and still feel so blessed and incredibly happy. There are times too though that I still can’t believe this is how my life has turned out, and I yearn for what life would have been like if Alan hadn’t passed away.  Mostly I am working on not getting hardened by life…which should actually be a daily work right?…but some days I totally take a vacation from all work, throw on netflix, and stay in my pj’s all day.  

But anyways, I think that’s all i have to share for now…thanks for letting my voice resurface again!

 

 

 

Open

I just got home from a great learning experience for me, and I still feel buzzed from it so I decided to blog! 🙂

Tonight I was asked to be the guest speaker at a CWL ladies 50th anniversary meeting and share stories of my life.  It was the first time I have publicly spoke about Alan’s death and it was hard to put the talk together.  Of course, the perfectionist side of me knows where I could have done better.  Plus since this loss is still relatively new, it will be interesting to see what other insights and growth will come of it for future sharings.  But I think overall it went well and I am so humbled by the positive response I got. 

What I loved the most was how my sharing allowed others to open up their hearts to me and share with me their stories of love, loss, anger, healing, and faith. I spent 1.5 hours listening to these incredible ladies’ stories and I felt so blessed to have been a part of the night.

What I found the hardest was speaking about our love story.   I love our story.  I love our story of best friends to amazing love.  I have enjoyed revisiting the images of our young selves falling in love.  I just shake my head at how silly we were sometimes.  haha.  But the hardest part is when I think of us looking into the future, hand in hand, with an excited anticipation for all the amazing possibilities our future held.  We felt our love was blessed by God.  We felt together we were going to set the world on fire with passion and love and joy and service! And at the end of it, we would be that cute old couple walking ever so slowly, but still hand in hand, pleased with the amazing journey we had.

I still grieve hard for my lost future.

I still miss my best friend.

I still look around me sometimes and wonder “is this really my life?”

But even though it was hard to speak about, I still loved sharing our story.  That perhaps when I do, even with Alan gone, our love gets reignited with each telling.  And we all know,

It only takes a spark to get a fire going

And soon all those around will warm up in its glowing

~ Pass it On (Chispazo theme song)

I believe there still is a plan for us, just different than we anticipated. But I know that as long as I stay open, God will help me create something more beautiful than I can ever make on my own.

I want to end with sharing a short Nooma video from Rob Bell. When I first watched it years ago, I actually didn’t like it, and I felt it didn’t answer the questions he poses at the beginning.  But now, with the past year on my heart, this video speaks to me so much. I cannot change what happened to me last year.  But I want to make sure that when it’s my time, I don’t want to be found with a hardened heart and clenched fists.  I want to still live a life of no regrets, feeling peace that I gave my all and did my part to create a little more heaven on earth.  But in order to do that, I have to ask myself:

What is God up to right here and right now, and how can I be a part of it?

 

Introducing the Elevate Award

So I have been brewing an idea in my head for the past few months that I am finally ready to share!

Starting next month on June 1st (Alan’s birthday!) I would like to begin the Elevate Award! On the first of every month, it is my vision to share with you someone’s incredible story of how they inspire, love, persevere, encourage…how through their life they truly elevate themselves and others!  The recipients will receive an “Alan T’shirt” that has the Elevate logo he created on the front. I will personally “interview” the recipient and then write a blog post to share this amazing person’s story.

There are two stories that come to mind that will help set the stage for the Elevate award.

Story #1
Before Alan created this blog, he spent many weeks thinking about it.  In reality, he thought about it on and off for months, but only wanted to start writing once his Ph.D was completed.  He would excitedly tell me his vision for this blog: He wanted it to help inspire, encourage, and teach people to make a difference in their lives and in the world.  In his dreaming stage, he would passionately tell me

Renee! there is so much potential to it! I don’t really know where it will go, but I can see it growing! There is so much I want to write about… and I can also envision me writing about people who truly make (or has made) a difference in this world!

I believe that was what he was going to do under the blog page “Profiles”.

It makes me smile to remember how passionate he was about this blog.  I remember this one time he was showering and SHOUTED for me to come quick! When I got there,  he told me he was just thinking about this blog and wanted to share with me his newest thoughts about it.  I remember feeling kinda annoyed because he startled me with his shouting and I thought something was wrong! haha… But I was so happy and excited for him because when Alan got passionate it was infectious 🙂

Story #2
When I was in the depths of my despair after Alan’s passing, I would really find comfort in people’s stories.  Hearing how people overcame their obstacles and prevailed in the end helped me believe that one day my life could be amazing again.  I remember this one insomnia filled night where my heart was physically aching and I couldn’t stop crying.  After a couple hours of laying in bed, trying in vain to fall asleep, I decided to put on a netflix movie.  I saw Soul Surfer and didn’t really know what it was about, but felt I needed to just press play! It ended up being based on a true story of this beautiful teenager who, despite losing her arm in a shark attack, still went on to surf and win pro competitions.  The last scene even had a rainbow in it! And after finishing the show my heart was lighter and the tears in my eyes had turned into sparkles of hope for my future.

 

So here we are, the creation of the Elevate Award.  There are so many inspiring “everyday” people out there, and I would love to elevate them and honour them for who they are and how they truly make this world a better place! If you know someone you would like to nominate for the award, feel free to mention them in a comment below or email me at alan.desilva@gmail.com.  If possible, also send me why you think they should receive this award, and how you feel they create a positive change in our world.

I am so excited about this! And I also feel a deep happiness and peace that I can continue Alan’s vision for this blog.

 

Still miss you my friend…But I know you’re with us!

 

 

Meeting the Constables Again

My silly cute girl is finally asleep, so I am excited to sit down and reflect on the huge experience I had today.  I am also sipping on some tasty wine my very thoughtful and beautiful friend Lisa H dropped off for me, so this has to be a great night 😉

The past week has been a tough one for me.  For some reason, I felt called to finally contact the two officers that came to my house that fateful night to break the news about Alan’s accident.  (you can read about the first time I mentioned them in an old post “Remembering My Split” https://lifeofinfluence.wordpress.com/2014/03/07/split/) They had come back a few days after on their day off with their wives, but unfortunately I missed them as I was at the funeral home making arrangements.  They told my friends who were at the house to tell me to contact them when I was ready.   I guess it took me 14 months until I was ready to face this challenge.

As I was mentally preparing myself to call them last week and trying to find the proper words to re-introduce myself, a part of my wounded heart opened up.  I remembered them standing in my entrance as I sat in utter disbelief and sorrow. It brought me back to that moment and it made me relive it.  I thought about that whole night and how utterly horrific it was.  It made me think about the first time I saw Alan’s body…and the first time I saw him again all done up at the funeral home.  I found myself wishing this was all a dream again.  It made me weepy all week.

This morning, my body was heavy in grief.  I dropped Gabe off at school and came home and couldn’t help but sleep. (Thank God for netflix and Anjali happy to watch a long Veggietales movie.)  I was lethargic and deep in anhedonia, and I probably would have slept the day away if I could.  But needing to pick up Gabe and tidy the house, I thankfully found some energy.  I had stumbled upon a youtube video of Will Smith talking about purpose and life, and as I listened and cleaned, the fog that surrounded me slowly dissipated.  By the time the constables showed up, my spirit was better and I felt ready to face them.

To tell you the truth, I wasn’t sure how today’s visit would be.  Would I get all weepy seeing them? Would I find closure or would it just be hard?

Constable Elias and Constable Roy came in with huge smiles and great energy and immediately set the tone for the meeting.  They gave the kids red whistles and police patches which helped them warm up quickly too.  What I thought had the potential to be awkward and forced was actually an amazingly relaxed and pleasant visit! An hour flew by as we talked small talk and talked about that night, and as the kids bounced from playing outside to checking out these cool police officers and all their cool gadgets.  I didn’t think I needed to tell the kids why they were visiting.  I just told them these nice policemen were our friends and were coming for coffee.  I was grateful the kids were there as I wanted them to meet these great men who I feel played a very important part in our lives last year.  The kids also gave us a lot of opportunities to laugh.  For example, Anjali told us she “wants to be a police ‘server’ and a fireman in case kitties get stuck in a tree so she can save them.”

The main reason I wanted to sit down with the constables was to thank them. These two men not only handled that night as professionals but they handled it with such delicate care and kindness.  I truly felt their heart and their sympathy, and I drew strength from them that night.  I needed them to know that the way they handled everything made all the difference to me.  How thankful & blessed am I that they were the ones on patrol that night?

They told me today that from all the many things they have to do as officers, this was one of the hardest and it truly hit them & their wives close to home. And as I listened to them, I not only saw police officers; I saw amazing men with huge hearts of service and compassion.  I am sure they don’t get a lot of affirmation in their line of work, so it was very important & healing for me to be able to tell them that what they do is so important, and what they did for me made that night just a little more bearable.

Now with this meeting behind me, my heart does feel a little lighter.  Although this week has highlighted some ways I need to keep working through my grief, I do walk away from this experience with some closure and healing.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you Constable Roy and Constable Elias.  You are a gift to this world!

 

 

 

 

Constable Elias handcuffing a very willing Anjali!

Anjali with the two officers. I LOVE this picture!!! Both of these officers are incredible people! And I love how she put her little arm around Constable Elias. Gabe was feeling shy and didn’t want to wear the hat and take a pic.

Having fun in the cop car with Constable Roy! Notice the rainbow 🙂

Gabe feeling all inspired to now be a police officer! 🙂