The past few months have been a crazy roller coaster…from being excited about my future, to moments of heartache (to the point of throwing up!). I found being away from home was easier this summer…I focused on the day and the kids and our activities that day. But coming home from summer vacation, grief hit me again…coming to our empty home. To huge decisions I have to make alone. To adjusting to the new school schedule with both kids. I want to be so much for them….but I always fall short.
I had a realization a couple nights ago that made me cry and also find peace. (It came after Gabe and I got into a big fight and he told me I broke his heart….sheesh! 5 year old drama!)
I will never be enough for my kids. I am not perfect. I just can’t do it ALL! I will never be able to meet all their needs that Alan would have met. I just can’t do it.
I can’t fill the void that Alan left
But what I can do for them is be the best Renee I can be. When I feel inspired and filled up, that’s when I am the best mom for them. When I fill excited about my life, that’s when I am most patient with them. When I am more organized and better with time management, that’s when I actually want to sit and play a game with them. When I am in better shape, that’s when I have more energy for them.
This Renee, she isn’t perfect. She can yell a lot! She makes a lot of mistakes. She tantrums! But what Renee does best is get back up after each hit and try again.
I can’t go back and change our past. I wish I had that capability as I still would change it in a heartbeat….I still miss him so damn much!
But I still have control over my future. I can choose to lie around and feel sorry for myself (which I have done a lot of…it’s ok to have these moments). Or I can choose to ask myself every morning “what am I going to do today to make my life better?”
Time does not heal. Action heals.
Today I have made a couple big decisions that will impact my future! More about that later. š
Lots of love to you all!!! š
Life of Influence 